The reason I do this, the reason I cut myself is to replace some of the agonizing pain.I’ve been cutting myself ever since I can remember.
Before I came to this city, before I came to meeting you.
My friends from my old school didn’t care if I ended up committing suicide.
But I remember one.
Only one meant a lot to me.
Ella, my old friend.
She understood me, she tried everything in her power to keep me away from harms way.
After I moved and lost contact with her all the agonizing pain that she took from me came back!
Every night I would hold my “friend” to my wrist and slash open my warm, tanned colored skin.
The blood seeping down my arm, glistening in the dull restroom light.
This pain replaced the one I had for her.
When I went to school I would have to wear sweaters to school even on very hot days, just to hide my scars from judging eyes.
Then I met you and you automatically became my friend.
You were the only one that was there for me.
You made me feel like I belonged, that I was needed, that I didn’t need to hurt myself to solve my problems.
But just one little slip and I came crashing down.
Back to my old self.
The self that I hated.
The self that I never wanted to go back to.
It’s gotten out of hand!
I just want to give up and say farewell to this God forsaken planet!
But I would end up hurting you.
Not me, but You.
The person that showed me that the world isn’t so bad.
The one that took my hand and lead me out f the darkness and into the light.
I would be hurting you Helen!
And I’m sorry I did.
I just didn’t know what to do.
When I wanted to contact you and tell you that my life was crashing down on me, the phone seemed miles away from my reach.
When I tried telling you at school, I couldn’t find the words.
So I ended up bottling the pain, the drama, all my problems inside of me and ended up breaking down.
I’m sorry I didn’t say anything.
And now I know better.
I’ll try to talk my problems out like I did when we first met.
And try to become the self that you knew and loved.The reason i do this